minus one day

to finally crumble to pieces. and, let out the ocean of emotion that i have been keeping;  which i also forgot that i had.

a lot of things, unfortunate, has been going on lately. i feel as if i’m haunted by the ghost of 2009. it has been two weeks since the turn of the year and i still can’t see things looking up.

i’m not known to be a complainer though. i am passive. and, if i were an alloy, i’d be malleable. i take in things. absorb. but, just like a sponge, i really can’t squeeze out every drop of water i’m holding in unless an outside force does the trick. i don’t usually rant on someone about my mishaps, maybe i do tell them once, and then that’s it. i don’t like the feeling of giving someone extra weight, even if it only means saying my problems and inner struggles out loud. i prefer to be by myself, mull over something and then put on a fake, plastic smile if i am around another human being. i enjoy hanging out with my friends like any other, but right now, everything about me is pretty messed up. i’m afraid that i will not be able to connect with them, seeing that what they’re going through are far less easier than mine.

they say that i am obsessive-compulsive, and i guess i really am. or i was. i used to be really grounded, organized and making to-do lists jumpstarts my day. then, bit by bit, things began to spin out of control. and, i don’t like losing control. i am confused most of the time now and i easily forget. even one of my friends told me that i’m getting “rusty”.

what i want is simple.

i just want to know what i want.

i know how fucked up that sounds. but that’s it. i want the fog to clear up for me. scrambles unscramble itself. and, i want to finally be able to do things on my to-do list. whew.

ordo ab chao. yes. fervently hoping.